Divorcing with Class
How to conduct a divorce like a gentleman and find a win-win solution.
Divorce can be messy or clean. But what is a good divorce? In a good divorce you don’t end up as enemies or family, but more like cohorts or partners, not unlike the people you might work with at your job. You might not be friends, but you get along and treat each other with respect, not contempt and manage to discuss the business at hand in a positive, reasonable and professional way.
It is difficult to achieve this. It will require you to be a gentleman and act in a classy way throughout the divorce. Doing so will not be easy! But it is something I feel confident you can do. Although the advice may be spot on, you should understand it will not be comfortable or easy. I will be asking you to do many things that you won’t like. Specifically the primitive/feeling part of your mind will scream this is unfair crap!
Trust me when I say, if you ask for a divorce the wrong way you’re screwed. It will be a very messy divorce from the get-go and may end up like a bad sitcom. In the wonderful world of divorce; messy mean expensive.
Before we discuss what to say when asking for a divorce, let’s look at the two participants.
You are starting the divorce and from that perspective you will be fairly comfortable compared to your spouse. You have already processed why the marriage has failed and realize you’re better off leaving.
You have an advantage over your wife because you have already grieved the loss of the marriage. You’ve invested years or perhaps decades in trying to fix it. You have, after much research and action, developed a version of what unmarried life will be like for you. Of course you realize there will be some rough spots ahead. But in your mind you’ve weighed the losses and the gains and the outlook for your divorced future is still good.
Your mind set is now, “Get ‘er done!” as the comedian Larry the cable Guy would say. After all, you know your marriage is broken and cannot be fixed. You’ve been thinking about it for weeks or months. In your head the thinking front part of your brain is ready to list, for your spouse, all the reasons why the marriage is too bad to stay in and why people in your position are usually happier if they just leave. Then simply add, “I want a divorce.” Your primitive hunter gatherer mind agrees and would like you to blurt that out now! The primitive mind is also primed to fight with or run from whatever argument or put down your spouse might sling back your way after you do. If you just let nature take its’ course I can promise you a very messy (expensive) divorce.
I’m going to ask you to slow your roll and do this thing in a very specific way worked which has worked for hundreds of people, including me. It is the recommended technique by family and marriage counselor Sam Mark Willis Marquilies (sammargulies.com)
But before we discuss how to ask for divorce, let’s look at where your spouse is mentally in this process. Her position in the divorce is very different yours and perhaps nearly opposite. This difference between the spouse asking for the divorce and the one responding to it, is the reason we have to be very careful how this is handled, if we want to achieve a mediated divorce with minimum legal costs and peaceful future interactions.
Your spouse will be on a continuum from resigned acceptance, which is rare, to completely and utterly shocked that you are even considering a divorce. For them to be completely shocked is more common than resigned acceptance; so don’t be surprised if you ‘thought she knew’. Once you have asked for the divorce, it will take time for your spouse to come to terms with the situation. Remember you’ve already taken all the time you need to think about the impact of a divorce, she has not. The farther apart you are on the continuum the longer it will take for her to process it all.
For her this is only about losses, there is no upside. Remember you’re ready to move on, they’re not! You’ve thought it through, they haven’t. You have a plan for the future, their future just died!
Given the situation with two very different points of view, the absolute worst thing you can do is to ask for a divorce and then blame them for their part in it. The reaction will be hostile, irate and dare I say explosive! This will set the tone for the rest of your divorce. Which will be most likely highly litigated and hostile. We don’t want that. We want it to be over as fast as possible, as clean as possible and as inexpensive as possible.
You must be gentle and this is what to say:
“Our marriage is not been successful, the marriage is over, and it is time to end it.”
Feel free to adjust the wording to your natural way of speaking. However, do not add words that less definitive. Any term that implies you’re not completely sure that the marriage is over will certainly cause problems. Your partner will latch onto anything that suggests there is any wiggle room in your position. For instance, do not say, “I think the marriage is over”. The word “think” implies you’re not 100% sure yourself and your partner will latch on to that feeling of hope and beg you to give it just one more chance. You must be very clear that it is time to end it.
Now be prepared to really listen to their response, whatever it may be. They might blame you, accuse you or just stare into space. Your job now is just wait and to listen. Do not argue or debate. If they don’t respond, give them time that they need to process. If they stonewall, they may need to process what you’re saying, that’s fine. When they’re done, depending upon what they say, you will respond in this way:
“The marriage is over and it’s time to make a decent end of it.”
Because emotions are way too intense discuss any arrangements, do not fall into the trap of responding to statements like, “Well you’re not taking the kids” or “Well I’m you’re not getting the house!”
This may also be a good time to say, “I thought long and hard about this and reluctantly come to the conclusion that a divorce is necessary and the right thing to do.”
And when she makes statements about whose fault it is respond with, “The time for discussing fault it is over, I’m not going to discuss blame either now or in the future.”
Also, “I have made my decision, it is irrevocable and I will not be changing my mind.”
It is important that you be very crystal-clear that it’s over. If there is even the slightest suggestion by you that there is any room for talking you out of divorce, they will latch onto that. Then all future discussions will be their attempt to talk you out of your decision. Your exit and negotiations will be stalled.
Don’t be rushed. Talk at a time your both rested and alone. Focus on what you’re going to say. Be certain you’re not going to be disturbed. This is the most stressful part of the whole process but I assure you relief from your stress is coming! If she attacks you, or threatens you, or wants to talk about who gets what, where the kids will go, who moves out any other issues regarding the separation, your response is, “When the time comes to discuss those issues, I’m sure we will be able to work out a fair and decent plan.”
Should your spouse make assertions about the damage divorce will do to the children then say, “Yes, divorce is painful, but when the time comes, I’m sure that working together, we can get the kids through it, without them getting hurt.”
Remember, you are not going to react or respond to other negative statements by your spouse. They have to vent. You also need to not stonewall by not listening to or looking at them. You need to listen to what they say and understand what they’re saying. Take what they say with a grain of sand. Tell them you understand why they feel as they do. If you don’t understand what they’re saying ask clarifying questions.
Tell them, you know some time will be needed until both of you are ready to discuss the future. That you’re willing to take whatever time is needed. That you have not hired a lawyer and you’re not planning on hiring one immediately.
Also tell her that you hope when the time comes, the two of you will choose to use a mediator rather than having the divorce be a contest between two attorneys.
You’ll continue listening until your spouse is done talking. When they are tell them you’re going to go out for a few hours, but will be back later and be available to talk further.
Now go. Divorce is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but this strategy worked or me, as recommended by counselor Sam Marquilles, and I’m sure it will work well for you.
Never going to cover the divorce process. I will cover the whole divorce process as it will differ from state to state and with each person’s financial and family situation. A full explanation of the process is what your attorney is paid to do.
As suggested before do not hire an attorney until after you asked for your divorce. Otherwise, as stated previously it might accelerate the proceedings and blindside you. Particularly if your wife gets an attorney in retaliation that she hopes is cutthroat than yours. You do want to have a preliminary meeting with one or more attorneys to see what your situation is and the likely outcome. Of course you’re also deciding on an attorney you like. These initial meetings are normally free of charge.
After you’ve asked for the divorce and you’ve hired your attorney, the basic process is that somebody will file a petition for divorce. This somebody is probably you and your spouse will respond to it. You’ll negotiate an agreement and there will be a final divorce decree which one or both of you will have to appear in court for.
Now let us discuss mediation. What is mediation? This is where you and your wife hire a mediator whose fiduciary duty is to help both of you come to an agreement that is the best case scenario. They take into consideration all of the factors that are present in your divorce; family needs and financial situation and personal preferences. They also have the legal experience to give both of you a reality check of what will happen in the legal process if you don’t come to a mediated agreement. The best part is the agreement is not binding while you’re discussing it. It only becomes binding once it’s complete and you both agree that that the whole thing sounds good.
Mediation is the key to a good divorce. Choose a mediator with great references and preferably one who has been a divorce attorney and judge. Three behaviors on your part that will nearly guarantee you a great experience are being fair, being over prepared with your binder information and never getting upset in the mediation process. Your mediator needs to feel you are a reasonable person who wants the best for you, your spouse and the children. You’re the reasonable one. They don’t want to hear opinions just provable facts. Make sure the only person not being reasonable is your spouse. I suggest you use a mediator that keeps you and your spouse in different rooms during the process. It will be difficult not to respond to unfair statements by the opposing side if you actually hear your spouse and her attorney. If you lose your cool your chances of a gentleman’s divorce fall off dramatically. It’s the mediator’s job to convince your spouse if her position is unreasonable. Don’t add to that burden by being unreasonable yourself. You have’s a serious job to do so put on your big boy pants, be professional and get it done.
If a mediated divorce is the key to a good divorce, then what is a traditional divorce the key to? It’s the key to an adversarial situation where both of you come out truly hating each other. It’s the key to making sure you have tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and court costs. That’s in addition to neither party getting what they want. It’s also the key to your attorney getting a new Maserati. The posturing of both attorneys will be to get each of their clients far more than 50% of the assets and then after a lot of legal fees and court time, reluctantly convincing their clients to accept something around 50%. While typical divorce may get close to going to trial they almost never do, only to settle at the last minute.
Let’s talk a little bit about your kids for those of you who have them. They will be mad and sad. Of course being estranged from your children is the last thing you want to happen. Unfortunately, in a divorce some of that will happen, so expect it. When talking to your kids about the divorce or anything else you need to remember to never tell them not to feel the way they feel. When we say things like “don’t worry”, “don’t be mad”, “don’t feel that way”, “don’t be disappointed”, “don’t be like that” or say they are “just too sensitive”. That only makes them feel worse and it can also make them feel alone. What should you do? Emphasize, that will honor their feelings and make them feel understood. It’s the best way to keep communications flowing say things like;
• “I know you’re disappointed about the divorce. You have a right to be. I would feel the same way in your situation.”
• “I understand it hurts when something happens to you and you have no control over it.”
• “You’re mad at me for leaving your mom. I understand. You have a right to be mad.”
• “You’re upset and I’m sure you have a good reason and I want to hear about it.”
When your kids are in a divorce situation, they are in distress and they need both of you. If you don’t respond with empathy you’ll make them feel mad and possibly ashamed or at fault. They will learn the talking to you just makes them feel worse. Once they feel understood they will relax and can logically think through their problems with you, including the divorce.
A couple other things to remember regarding your children. Remember do reach out to them frequently just to talk and arrange to get together. But do so without expectations, they may not be ready to talk or get together. Slowly over time they will begin to share more and talk more and get together more often. If you have more than one child don’t expect them to both come around at the same time. Regarding holidays do not expect your kids to spend holidays with you or even split them between you and your ex-wife. Depending upon how blended you become in the future, that might happen eventually. The first year if you simply plan on getting together with your kids near the holidays but not spend time with them on the holidays you will put much less stress on your kids and on you. Instead you can make plans to enjoy yourself, and possibly a new partner, on the holidays.
Merry Christmas!
Cappy