Should I stay or should I go?
Deciding if the marriage is worth saving or if you’d be happier leaving.
Warren Buffett of the Berkshire Hathaway financial group said, “Time spent trying to fix a chronically leaking vessel would be better spent transferring to another vessel.”
The two of you have been together for years or perhaps even decades and upon examination there have been both good and bad times. Perhaps there are children involved. Like many couples you may have gone to marriage counseling, couple’s communication class, couples retreats, a myriad of other programs. You’ve tried to modify your behavior in communicating. Tried date nights and romantic getaways, but still here you are at square one. At this point you really need to know, ‘Can it be fixed?’ and ‘If so how?’ and ‘If not, then what?’
Note: If you are absolutely sure, without a doubt, your marriage is too good to leave, or conversely, much too bad for you to consider anything but divorce you can skip this chapter.
For those men still reading…this chapter will help you to decide either to work on creating a happy marriage where you are her rock star and she is your joy or ending it as soon as is reasonably possible.
Now we all love checklists, think of this as a diagnostic checklist, such as your doctor might use to evaluate your symptoms. Some diagnostics will tell you that most people in your situation would have been happier had they stayed or conversely most would’ve been happier if they left. A couple of them will simply point you in the right direction for further consideration. Where do these diagnostic questions come from? The information has been collected from three types of resources. Scientific research with couples in the laboratory published, works from and psychologists and family counselors (Licensed clinical social workers). The lions share has been adapted from Mira Kirshenbaum in her book “Too good to leave, too bad to stay”
Should I ‘Get out of Dodge’ Diagnostic Question Reflections…here we go:
1. If your relationship was never very good at its very best; the chance of future success is zero. Let’s face it, if it was never any good then what the hell is there to work with. If you look back you might realize what the main purpose of the relationship was? Perhaps it was to get out your parents’ house or perhaps it was to grow up or to have children or whatever. But it was never meant to be a lifelong relationship. People in your situation, where it was never very good, even at its best, were happier if they left and regretted not leaving if they stayed.
2. Abuses have occured more than once. For many people physical or mental abuse is a hard line, meaning one strike and you’re out! So this checkpoint simply says that on one occasion you were attacked (physically or mentally), that it was already ‘one time to many’, that you had issued an ultimatum that if it ever happened again, it would be the end of the relationship and it did happen again. Most people in this situation are happier that they left the relationship and end up regretting they did not leave.
3. If you already started to leave, most people in this situation are happier if they ended their marriage. This means you have begun to create a new life without your partner. Now this does not mean that you started playing tennis and that your wife doesn’t join you. It doesn’t mean that you’re spending less and less time together. What does it mean? Some examples of what I’m talking about: You’ve opened up new bank accounts for the purpose of moving out of the house and setting up your own money, you purchased a postal box and changed your mailing address, you’ve accepted a job in another city or country and you have not told your spouse about it, you have rented an apartment that you’re planning on moving into once you leave your spouse, you have put together an escape kit in the trunk of your car that has all the legal documents you might need to get a divorce. You’re taking concrete steps to create a new lifestyle and life that excludes your partner. Other men who have taken these steps, that go far beyond daydreaming about leaving, usually are happier that they left.
4. If you’ve already decided to go; it’s too late baby! How do you know if you’ve already decided to go? Imagine God, however you define that, were to make himself (or herself) known to you and were to say to you, “Hey it’s okay to leave her, I free you from worrying about whether you’re making a mistake.” If your reaction to this divine authority giving you the freedom from worrying about whether you’re making a mistake is ‘Hell yes! I know I should leave, I just felt it was wrong.’ What if it’s not a clear “yes!” which means you should leave? If your still foggy or uncertain, that uncertainty means that this question is not going to give you the clarity you want. It doesn’t mean you should definitely stay, but it doesn’t mean that you should definitely go. This question is only useful if the response is a definite hard yes. It tells you that the only reason you’re staying is that you think divorce is wrong but every fiber of your mind says you should go.
5. Is there any activity or interest, not including the children, no matter how small it might be, that the two of you actually enjoy doing alone together? A yes is a good sign but a no, doesn’t in and of itself, mean that it’s over. So what is this thing you might enjoy doing together? It might be that on Sunday nights you end up in the kitchen together cooking and you actually enjoy your time together, you work well together or maybe even flirt a little bit, maybe there’s a TV show you both enjoy together and you actually look forward to sitting on the couch close to one another and enjoy laughing at the jokes, perhaps there’s a board game you enjoy playing together. If the answer to this question is yes and none of the other questions before or after this question indicate you definitely should leave; then the relationship deserves more of an effort to see if it can be saved. Most people in this position would be happier giving it a chance.
6. Is your spouse stupid, ugly, stinking or crazy? If you would say your spouse an okay looking, reasonably smart, not ‘really’ crazy and a fairly nice gal, who has decent hygiene habits and smells okay to you most of the time; they pass this test. However, a strong ‘YES!’ (which is very rare) means it’s time to go and people in this situation are generally happier if they left the relationship.
7. Does your spouse make it so difficult to get anything you want, that you tire of jumping through the hoops and on the rare occasions when you do get something that you want, it isn’t worth the trouble. If this is what living with your spouse is like, then most people in your situation would be happier if they left.
8. Does your spouse make you feel humiliated in the relationship or invisible? When a loved one treats you this way, you live in a state of constant agony and stress. It truly is an assault on your humanity that causes damage over time. Does this feeling persist most of the time and never really go away? Then you should leave.
9. Does your spouse make it clear they are absolutely unwilling to discuss issues in the relationship ever? You have to be fair about this one. Guys are famous for asking questions when their wife is trying to multitask five things around the house after a hard day of work. But if no matter how flexible you are in planning some alone time to discuss your relationship, it’s clear no matter where or how you bring it up, your lady is not going to discuss it. It’s time to go; you can’t fix what you can’t talk about!
10. Do you feel like all or most of the time your partner is lying to you? If her lips are moving you know she’s lying. You feel tension each time she speaks because lying is such a central part of who she is. If this is your situation; it’s time to go.
11. If you just don’t like your partner and/or they basically don’t like you as a person; then there can’t be love. Perhaps you have taken the time to make a list of what you want in a partner and what you don’t. Maybe you’ve prioritized it into the top 10 wants in top 10 don’t wants. You realize looking at your list that she may have some qualities you like but also some that you absolutely don’t. So much so that you really don’t like her. You realize if you were to meet her now, for the first time, on the street or serving on a committee or as a new coworker at your job, you just wouldn’t like her. In this case you’ll be happier if you go.
12. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do something loving for your partner, even though you might not get anything in return, anytime soon in order to save your relationship. Something like smiling and saying how was your day. Giving her a hug after a hard day, even if you don’t get hugged back, noticing something needs to be done around the house and doing it without being asked or thanked, etc. If yes, there is hope and you should hold off for six months while you work on the relationship, if ‘Hell to the NO!’, then you’re really not willing to do anything unless it’s ‘quid pro quo’ and you would be happier if you just go. (You may not need both of you to start the recovery of your relationship process…but you don’t even have YOU!!!) You’re just wasting each others’ time.
13. If you don’t want to touch each other in any way and it’s gone on that way for several months or more. By touching I mean any kind of touching. Hand on the shoulder, hug, holding hands, spooning, pat on the butt, sexual or nonsexual. If the thought of any contact makes you or your partner say ewww, then you’re making a profound statement about the state of the relationship! You’d be better off if you left.
14. If you are particularly attracted to your partner sexually in some chemical way or ways that draws you to each other in a way you’re just not nearly so attracted to others and there are also no other powerful reasons for you to leave. Then, people in your situation are happier if they stay and make a go of it.
15. If there is something you can’t just ignore that your wife does that makes you want to leave because it bothers you that much and they can’t see it or even acknowledge that they do it and just don’t get it and it’s only going to get worse. You can’t work on what they can’t see, you’d be better off to leave. (Yes I know, there’s a lot of “and’s” in this one. But if you can ignore it or you can make her see it and acknowledge it so the two of you can talk about it; then this one does not apply.)
16. Your partner does something that makes the relationship too bad to stay, they acknowledge it, but are clearly unwilling to do anything about it, and you cannot ignore it, and it’s been six months or longer; then it’s time to go. An example would be your spouse gets into screaming altercations using foul language with friends, service people and neighbors when she drinks, you’ve decided you cannot live with this drama in your life, she acknowledges the problem but after six months no tangible steps to solve it have occurred; most people in this situation are happier they left.
17. If there is one problem that is the reason you have decided to leave and you can truly let it go and not let it bother you; then you should stay. Here’s an example. Let’s say your spouse does something that drives you crazy like yelling at the dogs when they bark. Here is another example, your partner is an angry, stupid or obnoxious drunk but only overindulges once every couple of years. Perhaps you hate smoking but your spouse smokes cigarettes when in a club setting or cigars at the monthly card game with the guys. Many people realize there are a couple things that their spouse does that are annoying as hell, but they still like and love them and decide that that’s just one aspect of their personality and they decide they can ignore it and live with. Stay for another six months to give it a shot and then reevaluate to see if you were able to let it go and not let it bother you. Most people in this situation are happier that they stayed.
18. If there is a problem that suggests you should go, does your partner acknowledge it and is willing to work on it and is working on it in some demonstrative way. Most people in this situation are happier they decided to stay at least for a bit and work on the marriage. Then reevaluate.
19. Has your wife violated a bottomline? An example would be that your wife has been ‘sexting’ a guy coworker on her phone and dressing up for him at work, you’ve already given her an ultimatum and you have caught her continuing to do it. If you’ve talked with your wife and given her a bottomline ultimatum and your spouse has violated it; then you should go and most men are happier they did.
20. If you both have profoundly different lifestyle preferences and you could never be happy living in the other lifestyle; it’s time to go. Some examples would be if she’s a city mouse and your country mouse and neither of you could never be happy living the other lifestyle or you absolutely want children and she absolutely does not. In both of these cases one of you will end up completely miserable eventually. Most people in this situation are happier that they left.
21. If you don’t feel your partner is like you in some way and you have absolutely nothing in common. While it is rare to have absolutely nothing in common, it does happen occasionally and if this is your situation you should go.
22. If leaving your relationship will be easier and more attractive than staying, after taking a realistic look at it; then you should go. If after reading the rest of these diagnostic tools you still don’t have clear leave or go result and you understand exactly what moving out would really be like for you and you still are sure you would be better off going than staying; then most people in your situation would be glad they left.
23. Has your wife convinced you that you’re a loser/idiot/stupid in an important area of your life, so much so that you’re starting to believe it. You should go as people in your situation are happier they did.
24. Is she so disrespectful to you that you avoid contact unless it’s absolutely necessary? Time to go.
25. If she shows real support and interest in things that you are trying to do and are important to you; then you should stay. If there were no other indications that you should leave then you should stay.
26. Would you lose anything important in your life if your partner were gone? If in leaving your spouse, you would not lose anything that you could not do just fine without; you should go. (This does not include things a reasonable person would expect to get from any new partner.) Things this might include would be working together with your partner in a nonprofit that’s extremely important to the both of you or perhaps running a large business that you built from the ground up together. So if no other diagnostic that applies suggested staying and you would not lose anything important in your life that can only be provided by this particular woman; then men in your situation are happier they left.
27. If there was an incident that one spouse cannot forgive and over time cannot reduce the anger or if the other cannot show they are sincerely sorry. Some examples might include an affair, bankruptcy or death of a child. If this is your situation, then you would be happier if you left.
28. If it’s likely that if you have a reasonable need, that the two of you could get together and meet that need without too much of a struggle then you should stay. This is a good sign and if no other diagnostic suggests that you leave; then most people in your situation are happier they stayed.
29. If you have any need that isn’t being met and your partner is in the way and your life will be unsatisfying without it, and there is no way to do it with your partner; you should go. An example would be after menopause your spouse cannot have intercourse during sex. She experiences extreme pain with intercourse even using topical estrogen, personal lubricants and medical evaluation. If you can be satisfied with other forms of intimate connections, such as talking, hugging, kissing, touching and sex that does not include vaginal intercourse; you should stay. If your life will be unsatisfying without getting that need met; men in your situation are happier they left.
30. The only reason your partner wants to get close to you is to make you feel their anger and criticism; you should go.
31. If there is no agreement about what intimacy ultimately is for the two of you and your position is more important than fixing the relationship; you should go. It is quite unusual for people to say they really don’t want intimacy in their relationship. Generally what they consider intimacy is different and they can come to some agreement to provide for both partners needs. An example might be your spouse wants you to listen to her and ask questions that acknowledge you are listening and understanding where she’s coming from. As a man you might need her to acknowledge what your do and need touching and sex to feel connected. If you both can come to an agreement so you provide for her intimacy needs and she will provide for yours; you should stay. If instead she has no intention of providing for yours, even after you are meeting hers and is adamant that hers are the only true way to express intimacy; then most men in your situation are happier they left.
32. If there is no possibility of having fun together ever again; you should leave. Having fun with her just in the room doesn’t count. So if you could imagine having fun with a bunch of friends at a party with your wife in the same room that doesn’t count as having fun with your spouse. Neither does playing board games with your kids and your spouse (unless the reason you would be having fun is because your spouse is there). Can you imagine having fun doing some activity with your spouse? If there is no possibility of having fun together; then most men in your situation are happier they left.
33. If you have a dream or goal and both of you have organized your life around it and neither of you would you be happy with anyone else; you should stay. If you have no other solid GO answers most men of the situation are happier they stayed.
34. Even if there were no problems in your relationship and you could fix everything, you still don’t know if you would want to stay; then you should go. Imagine a genie, like Barbara Eden from the TV comedy “I dream of Jeannie”, could make all the problems in your relationship disappear right now. If you would still be ambivalent; then you should go.
Next Steps
Hopefully now you have some clarity. If you have found one or more diagnostics that say you should go, then you should go. Read the chapters on leaving and divorce. If you did not get a go indication move on to the chapters on relationships and becoming an alpha male. Either way you have your answer and should feel relieved. Should you still be unsure I highly recommend getting the book “Too good to leave, too bad to stay” listed in the recommended reading section in the back of this book.
Cappy