Exit Strategy
How to ‘Get outta Dodge’ and move out successfully
The decision to go had been made. You’ve already left in your mind and are thinking of all the freedom your new single life will afford you. In the process of replacing food with people and activities, you may already be dangerously close to having a date, which in your case is an affair. Whoa Hoss! Slow your roll!
The last thing you need in your life is a complicated exit and divorce. By complicated I mean expensive and stressful in the extreme. Likewise, you might be toying with online applications like Match, Tender and OkCupid. Looking over the ladies profiles in your age group, to assure yourself that your post married life won’t be a lonely sexless existence is fine, but don’t join or pay for memberships or go on any dates. It is not the time.
As someone who has gone through the process, I can assure you that a few months from now, finding women will be the least of your problems. What you will need to be concerned about is having too many to choose from and getting clear on what you’re actually are looking for in a woman , (and more importantly the qualities that you don’t want), being able to afford to date, weather to date more than one woman at a time, deciding if you want to date multiple women and play the field or you want to be serially monogamous, whether to stay open to dating others when your girl asks you to be exclusive but you’re not wanting that and how you want to change as you date different women to grow in each relationship.
Your only goal regarding women at this point is to get comfortable meeting and talking to all of them. Yes, regardless of if you’re attracted them or not. Spend time talking to pretty ones, ugly ones, skinny, fat, old young, married, single and widowed. Take a genuine interest in them and learn to treat all of them the same. This is the quality that make Alpha males so popular with women. (See chapter on becoming an Alpha male)
This is a good time to think about and plan out what your exit strategy is going to be. For me the cleanest way was moving out of my home and into an apartment, that way I already have it set up and furnished…at least minimally.
Do research and go to websites like Craig’s list and get prices for apartments. Visit several apartments and tour the rooms. Find out cost on them including deposits. While you’re visiting apartments, say hi to some tenants, ask what it is like to live there, if there any problems and approximately what utilities cost. You will need these numbers to continue your preparations. Go visit long-term hotels in your area. These are furnished hotel rooms with weekly and monthly rates much lower than hotel daily rates. As you begin to understand what moving and your new single life will actually be like, both physically and financially, then you can begin making decisions for what will be the best course of action for you. There is also a chance that after seeing clearly that the reality of being on your own is so different from the fantasy life you’ve dreamed of in your mind, you may have to pause and reconsider.
Take a look at storage and see what various sizes cost per month and per year, it will help you decide how you will move and how much you’re planning on taking with you and if it is worth taking it.
A serious concern with moving out is getting yourself into a situation where you’re out of the house, have no place to live and all the important documents along with your personal property are trapped with your spouse and are completely inaccessible. We will take steps to assure that this will not happen to you, so that your transition will be a smooth and as stress-free as possible, given the situation.
Now we are going to put together a binder of important documents. One that’s in a safe place outside of your house, when you are near ready to leave. A good quality binder with number dividers 1 to 12 works well. This binder will make your financial, personal and legal life much less turbulent.
Start with the basics: Asset accounts with the full account numbers on them. For the cars the original title of the car you are going to keep and copies of the titles of all other vehicles. Run a Kelly blue book value for private sale on all family vehicles. For your real estate have a copy of deeds. Printouts of loan statements. Tax values. Go see a realtor and get a market analysis of the properties. Be careful to explain to the realtor that you’re planning a divorce. Don’t keep this information from the realtor and other professionals you talk to. If they know they will not accidently call the home or send another agent to look at the house. It is very important your spouse not get tipped off to what you are up to. Otherwise they will likely make the relatively easy process of getting organized into a complicated and hostile one. Get copies of all 401(k)’s, IRA’s and other retirement accounts and pensions.
Moving on to liabilities, we want copies of all credit card statements, car loans, personal loans and etc.
Move any personal documents that should go with you into the binder, these might include things like your birth certificate, medical records, social security card, professional licenses, educational records or passports. Remember only take your documents, do not take your wife’s or children’s documents. If you are unsure who the kids will choose to live with take copies of those documents for you. It’s probably cleanest to leave them in a box labeled ‘important documents’ at your spouse’s home rather than having to return the documents during a divorce. You should note that it is a major pain in the butt to officially return something to your spouse during a divorce. It requires a trip to her attorneys office in order to so.
Make a copy of the last two or three year’s federal and state income and property taxes. Again don’t take the only copy. Make sure that when you’re done working on all these documents that what you leave them at your spouse’s house are clearly labeled, ‘tax records’ and ‘important documents’ so that later you can tell her or her attorney where they are.
The next item will need to be done when your spouse is not around. You need a list of what real property you own. I think the easiest way to do this is with the video feature on your cellphone and a word processor. Turn on all the lights in the home and garage. Then go through the house videotaping all the furniture and furnishings audibly naming the items out loud. Remember to open all the drawers, paying special attention to anything of value, furniture, antiques, jewelry, guns, don’t forget the outdoor areas and garage and don’t forget the serial numbers if they have them and are of high value.
Now watch the video and make your list. Don’t get crazy about it. His personal clothes is fine. If there’s an especially valuable item like her Prada bag or a gold 4 carat diamond ring listed them separately. Try to put a price on each item using estate sale pricing. So a word about estate pricing. Here’s an example, your brown leather couch that might’ve cost you $4,500, how would you estimate its value? Let us say it might be two years old, we said you initially paid $4500 for it, at a garage sale you could get $50-$200 for it, you look at Craigslist and they go for $350 to $1,000. You’re not an appraiser and nobody expects you to be one, so after poking around online a bit you might decide to put it down as leather couch $750 if it’s in excellent conditions and closer to $500 for good but showing real wear and $350 for fair after your cat use the back for scratching post.
Next we will need to create a couple of budgets. First, put a copy of the current budget for you and your family in the binder showing all income and expenses. If you don’t use a budget in your family, you need to put one together using the expenses you had the last couple months. Dave Ramsey, a financial coach and talk show host, has a free program called “Every-Dollar” on his website that you might try. I highly recommend all of Dave Ramsey’s work, books and his workshop. So put a copy of the current budget for your family in the binder showing all income and expenses. Include copies of pay stubs for you and your wife.
Next create a budget for your wife after you’re gone. Make an appropriate adjustment of lower food costs, car insurance, electrical, water and other expenses. Do a good job and don’t just drop costs 25% because one of your family of four is moving out. An example of what I’m talking about would be auto insurance. By removing your older car when you leave and leaving her with a teenager driving a beater and your Ex with her late model car, it would not drop the rate by 25%; probably more on the range of 5% or 10%. On the other hand if you’re the only healthy eater in the house, your part of the $600 grocery bill might actually be more like 30 to 50 percent.
Now for the fun part. It’s time to create your new budget for living on your own. Let’s not forget items you’re not used to paying for while living in a house. Things like renters insurance. Call your car insurance company and see what your new rate will be. Changing ZIP Codes will change your insurance rates. No doubt there will be some difficult decisions to make. For example, if you currently pay for both of your children’s cellular plans, including installment payments, who will pay for that and for how long? Let’s say you’re currently paying for your daughter’s gas and her car insurance while she attends college; who will pay for that? Some of this will no doubt be guesswork. Here’s another example, if there are four phones under contract with installment payments, it might be that you take two and your ex take two or you pay off the installments and pay for you and the kids and the Ex gets her own plan. Your phone store can give you an idea of what your new monthly charges will be. They can also tell you whose name is on the account and who can make changes to the account.
Cell phone companies can make changes of financial responsibility very difficult. Warning! Only gather information. Do not attempt to make or schedule any changes to the account with your cell phone company until you’re actually out of the house! Also do not attempt to set up cell or cable or Internet with the same provider you currently have before actually moving out! Should anything at all come up with the account and you miss their phone call, the provider will contact your spouse by cell phone and text or email with any questions about service for the new apartment or cellular service thus tipping her off.
This happened to me… I was unexpectedly spending the day with spouse ex running errands which forced me to cancel my appointment with the phone company to connect Internet, cable and phone service in my new apartment that my wife was unaware of. Unfortunately, the message had not reached the driver in the field, when I did not answer the door at the apartment, the technician called me on my cell. I chose not to answer it as I was sitting in the car at the Taco Bell drive-up window with my spouse right next to me. While we were waiting for our order she got a call. Imagine my horror when I heard her say, ‘We already have service at our house…we don’t have an apartment?’ She handed me the phone and I had to just say, for my ex-wife’s benefit, “Sorry Dude, the office made a mistake, we did not order any new service and don’t have an apartment. We already have cell, cable, phone and internet with you and it’s working just fine, other than being too expensive.” This was definitely a close call.
The next item for your binder is a list of items required for your apartment. There are many available online for people who are moving into an apartment for the first time. Find one you like and print it out. Then highlight the things you absolutely need in your apartment before you move out. Now go shopping at your own house and write down what you need to take with you versus what you need to buy for your apartment. The take from home list should be as short as possible and be designed to avoid pissing your spouse off as much as possible! Keeping in mind that in the future we want a low stress gentleman’s divorce should make this fairly simple. So rather than raiding your home for a chair, a bed, couch or table lamp, you would be much better off buying these items on Craig’s list or at a garage sale. You can also have them delivered to your apartment for a very modest price or you can rent a U-Haul and do-it-yourself. This is much better than the animosity that would be created between you and your spouse should you take them from the living and guest rooms of your wife’s home.
Some reasonable things would be a couple of forks/spoons/knives, a few plates/cups/bowls/glasses, a spatula, colander and tongs. Most married couples, particularly one’s that have been together for decades, have several sets of all of these type things and one probably won’t be much missed. For items where there’s only one in the house definitely do not take that one item. It will cause unnecessary aggravation on the part of your spouse. Don’t take the only coffeemaker or blender, these items are not very expensive and if you wish you can get them for pennies on the dollar at garage sales and used furniture places like Goodwill and Salvation Army. Otherwise she’ll be cursing your name each time she wants a cup of coffee or a smoothie for weeks or months after your gone, if you have kids or adult children, your name will be brought up in a negative light repeatedly each time she needs an appliance that you took until she replaces it.
Before going further take a moment to consider how you are feeling about moving out. Before you really only had a fantasy of what single life would be like. Now you’re starting to have a much better idea of the costs and of what single life would be like. It’s normal and reasonable to be a little worried and stressed about such a major event and change, as long as you are certain it is still the right decision. If you are having serious doubts, you may need to revisit the ‘stay or go’ chapter again and take your time to find your clarity. If still in doubt I highly recommend visiting a counselor and getting the book “Too bad to stay, too good to leave” by Mira Kirshenbaum if you are still uncomfortable with your decision. Having clarity will give you a comfortable feeling that you are making the best decision for you and your future.
Our next step moving forward is with banking. If you’re like many couples in an unhappy marriage, you and your spouse already have your own bank accounts and your paychecks are deposited automatically. Your communication is poor in all areas, including financially and you seldom discuss finances, except perhaps to argue about some hot button aspects of it and in general one of you pays the bills.
Your goal is to have your own checking account at a different bank than your spouse, get a debit card and checks and have your pay deposited to that account. The best case scenario would be you also paying the monthly bills as that gives you the most control. If she pays the bills you will need to get a good handle on them. Sit down with your spouse and have her review them with you. Know where the statements are kept and create a list of expenses yourself. You might have to explain your sudden interest as simply best practices. Explain that you have heard financial gurus like Dave Ramsey and Susie Orman advice that both spouses need to be familiar with the budget, even if only one of them is actually paying the bills.
Now you’re ready to decide what your target move out date will be. It is critical you meet with your attorney and you are comfortable with the move and understand what your future divorce scenario will be, based on your states’ law and personal situation, before you actually move out. Plan on it happening when you are not working and your spouse and family members will not be around. The least complicated cleanest way to do that might be taking a day off work. That way you know where everybody else is and you have free access to the home to move out.
A few weeks before moving out, rent your apartment. Buy any needed items and furniture. Now that you have your own place to sleep, a mailbox and a bank account you will feel a great reduction in stress.
Most men are very concerned about when to tell her you want a divorce, that you’re moving out and of course, most important, when, what and how to say it. And what to do if she does X, Y or Z?
If you have followed the previous chapters, your spouse is already aware that you’re not happy in the relationship. They are aware of the specific reasons why you’re not happy and you’ve probably already given her an ultimatum.
Put your divorce planning binder in your safe place outside your home (car/friend’s house/work/safety deposit box/apartment). From now on your binder stays out of your house so there’s no chance of your being stuck without it.
We will assume you’re going to do this in the most honorable and classy way possible. So you’re not going to tell her by text or by phone. You’ll be doing it in person not just because you’re a nice guy, but because it will result in the best case resolution of your divorce and future dealings with your soon to be ex-wife.
Whether you tell her the day before or the date of that you’re moving out is a difficult choice. Both have advantages and disadvantages. The first choice would be to tell her on a Thursday and then both of you leave for work Friday morning. Except you don’t go to work. You get a truck, come back and move out later on Friday. When she comes home she will be somewhat surprised that you have gone but that is all. The disadvantage is that she may be so distraught from you asking for a divorce the night before, that she takes Friday off of work, thus spoiling your plans. You may also end up sleeping in the guest room or on the couch Thursday, after having one or several late night discussions, with her trying to convince you to give it yet another chance. With all this unexpected emotional pleading, you might cave in to giving it another unproductive chance, as I did.
I was convinced by my wife and my daughter to give it one more chance. I felt it was a bad idea. I was sure I should go. From my ‘stay or go’ chapter I had three solid reasons why I would be happier if I were to leave. If you’ll remember from that chapter you only need one. It was not a good idea to stay, but since I agreed to do it, I put myself 100% into trying again. I gave 100% with no expectations but it only confirmed I had made the right decision to go and wasted a month. It also got my ex much closer to me, which made my leaving even harder on her. Agreeing to stay was selfish of me in hindsight; though it did not feel that way at the time.
If you decide not to tell anyone until you move out, then the classy thing to do is to be at home when your wife and kids arrive and let them know that you have moved out. That was my plan. You’ll contact them in the next few days so you can meet and discuss the future. The disadvantage is that if someone tips them off and they discover you’re moving out Friday then you will be forced confirm it. Should a friend, realtor or family member happen to see the moving truck they might contact her. You may end up telling her on the phone while she is at work or she might come home and discover it and there could be a scene.
No plan is risk-free, there is no free lunch and it is what it is. There is no perfect way to be certain nothing will go wrong, but the better your planning is, the less likely something will go wrong.
So what should you actually say to your spouse? Whether just before or just after you move out, you need to know how do you tell them “it’s over” and more importantly, how to do it well? Divorces usually end up the way they start off, do you want yours to end peaceably or with anger. They tend to stay peaceful if you start them peacefully and that will be our plan.
There are enough bad (expensive) divorces in the world, let’s look at making this one as good as possible. In the next chapter on divorcing with class we will discuss how to divorce with class and exactly how to ask for one.
Cappy