Weathering the storms
Navigating the problems, slips and roadblocks that come your way.
This chapter is a compilation of challenges I have run into personally, questions generated by discussions with friends, family and acquaintances along with questions asked by readers.
They cover all aspects of escaping being fat trapped and lonely and follow a question-and-answer format.
I can’t get into a win-win solution in my divorce what should I do?
In my own divorce I had gotten to a win-win solution by giving up my house and equity while I took my retirement. It made a very clean division. She took on the burden of the small $40,000 mortgage. Though it was out of balance by 20 or $30,000 in her advantage the clean break was a super advantage to me compared to the spider web of hassles of her and I being forced to sell the home immediately and the splitting my teacher pensions in half. Additionally we would have been forced to be in constant future interactions for decades as I reached retirement age. In addition, forcing her to sell the house immediately would have created a stumbling block and a great deal of anger. The issue left open was that the only way to get me off the mortgage was for her to refinance or sell the house and she was not willing to do either. She was willing to agree to be fully responsible for paying the mortgage and to put that in writing. Additionally, she agreed she would either sell it or refi in the future. That would not alter the fact that until she did so the mortgage would remain in both of our names as far as the bank was concerned. I would remain on my credit report until it was paid off. If she defaulted I would still be responsible contractually to the bank but she would be responsible to the bank and me according to the court. This means the bank could sue both of us for the $40,000 and I could sue her for the 40,000. Per our divorce agreement.
My final decision was to trust that she will keep her promise to pay until she sells, as I knew she wanted to move back to California relatively soon, she had a good job that was stable, and I would be able to monitor the mortgage. I also had my attorney put a flag on the house title that I still have interest in the property and must be notified before any changes. I then completed the divorce. While we could have remained married for a while, perhaps years, while she disposed of the property or refinanced it, I felt it was much more important to get on with my life. So in reality it was a win-win in my eyes. You may not be able to win 100% of what you want. In this case she didn’t have to move out immediately and got a $20,000 advantage in the splitting of the assets. I got on with my life. If you get into a situation where there just seems to be a stumbling block. I suggest you talk to several people and assure yourself there are no other options. Think about whether finalizing the divorce is more important than getting it exactly how you want it. Consider how big your exposure is if you decide to go ahead.
In my case I did get advice to absolutely not continue until she refinance the house. Others counseled that I should get the divorce over with, since it was a small mortgage and my maximum exposure was $20-$40,000. In the end it was my decision and I am pleased I decided to move ahead.
I had to spend my emergency fund… What do I do now?
The first time I spent my fund my attorney wanted $1000 in additional legal fees and my emergency fund down to $200 and I ended up spending most of that on groceries. Then finally the rest of it on printer ink to continue with another goal. Each month your budgeting and spending will get better so don’t beat yourself up. Go right back to putting your thousand dollars emergency fund in place a chunk at a time. When you balance exceeds $1000; go right then back to paying off the debt.
If you’re like me you’ll be saddened to think that you have no traction and have accomplished nothing. When this occurs it is important that you look back at your records since you started changing your life and add up all that you’ve done. “I paid off $2500 in legal fees and $2900 in medical bills”, makes you feel so much better than, “I had one crap load of medical bills and now and I blown my emergency fund.”
What I do if I start putting on weight again?
I took off 74 pounds during the five month period beginning when I stopped binge eating until I had moved into my own apartment. We had a hurricane down here in Houston called “Harvey” that hit in the fall of 2017 and I was stuck at my girlfriend’s home for eight days. Her house was flooded in and so was the area around my apartment. Though neither home was damaged, we were stuck. When I finally got home and started back to work, I discovered that during those eight days I had put on 11 pounds. By Thanksgiving I added another five. In my mind I did not understand how I had gained or why? I was walking 10 to 15,000 steps in school every day and writing down my food. My diet was high in fruits and vegetables and relatively low in carbohydrates. But after looking over my records I realized the stress of hurricane Harvey and working as volunteer at the shelter, which was a great experience, and not writing down what I ate, and not focusing on including vegetables and fruits but rather on the safety of my family, friends and the community. I just put on weight.
In my mind, since my stuff wasn’t destroyed I was lucky. I felt like Harvey had not affected me in any significant way. But I came to realize it did affect me. Not only did I not reduce my calorie intake for being more sedimentary during the storm and recovery, but I said yes to comfort foods to relieve that stress. I decided that those 16 pounds are not a measure of failure, but are understandable for someone dealing with a disaster. I set a new goal for losing them by the end of December and just let it go. I focused on walking five days a week, eating healthy, making connections with people in my life and focusing on my goals.
What to do when you feel like you’re getting nowhere?
I’m a teacher and just before Christmas my kids gave me a nasty virus and had me laid up at home. I got out of the habit of writing down all my food, meditating, reviewing goals daily and etc. I also got a ticket for expired registration requiring $750 in repairs to fix the check engine light on my car. And to top it off, when I was ready to start back to work, I got up, stepped on the scale and I had gone up 5 pounds. I already felt crappy. Though I was recovering from being ill and was feeling better, I wondered how to get my head back on straight to move forward. I was ready to get back on course and more importantly get that ‘I’m doing great!’ feeling back. I tried looking back for a couple weeks on my daily list of things I’m “Proud of” or “Grateful for” but there was nothing really that lit my fire. What worked though was thinking back to where I was in my life 3 to 5 years ago, that did the trick!
Back then I was walking around in constant pain back with hip osteoarthritis on both sides. I was wearing slip on shoes because I couldn’t reach my feet and I was using a walker to get around. Along with popping pain pills. Now I was pain free with full mobility and able to walk as far as I wanted, I’m able to tie my own shoes! I’m no longer in a loveless relationship, I have a vibrant love life with a great giving girlfriend and I’m living in my own apartment. I had the money to fix my car already and still have $500 left in an emergency fund. Additionally, my book was three quarters written, I’d lost over 50 pounds and happily survived my divorce like a gentleman. Further, after a motorcycle accident left me with a torn rotator cuff and unable to lift my right arm a year ago. Now I could raise a sledgehammer without same arm and write on the chalkboard at school. These revelations, from stepping out of a short-term mindset and taking a long-term look at my life, recharged my battery of hope and I went right back to my healthy habits of nutrition, movement and focusing on my goals, which included losing those 5 pounds. The result was I lost four days later.
You have whatever you need in your mind at your disposal. Use it.
Cappy