Replacing food (or other excesses) with people and activity
In this chapter we are going to finally end your binge, excessive eating or other addictions of choice.
I know what you’re thinking, failure rate is like 98% to recover from a weight problem so this is a hopeless situation.
The fact that you are reading this now means way down deep inside you haven’t given up.
Winston Churchill said it all, “I will never, never, never, never quit!”
So what’s the plan?
Step one: Stop binge and overeating.
Step two: Deal with it.
Sounds simple. It is simple. Crazy hard and uncomfortable…but very simple.
Okay coach what is the diet and exercise plan? You’re not going to like it, but when have you ever told a coach, “That sounds like fun!”?
Starting now you eat three square meals a day. That’s it!
Okay, how many kilocalories per day, do I do half the plate salad, and half veggies and half carbohydrates and a quarter protein? What about meal prep? Do I do it alone or with the family? Can I eat fast food and restaurants?
To answer your questions directly, it doesn’t matter.
You’ve spend enough of your life worrying about that stuff. After dozens of books, plans and programs and hundreds, if not thousands of dollars in costs, how has that worked out for you so far? You have only one goal at this moment.
Stop replacing people and activities with food. From now on you eat three meals a day.
Tell me more! Ok, more specifically:
Do eat three meals each day.
Don’t eat any snacks.
Use a regular size dinner plate.
Do eat what you like or want.
Don’t worry about what you’re eating.
Don’t go out of your way to eat fattening stuff.
Don’t go out of your way to eat healthy stuff.
If you like to eat vegetables, then eat them.
Now let’s be a little more specific on this. You’re going to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Use a standard round dinner plate. If you have stocked your kitchen with oversized square plates or oblong platters; then you’re going to have to get yourself a regular sized plate.
You’re not going to eat this diet forever, so don’t freak out about it. Don’t get all butt hurt over this, but eating three meals a day means you are going to sit down, in some sort of a chair, and the chair needs to be designed to place you in a normal working or eating position. Barstools, dining or folding chairs are fine. Barker lounges, sofas and couches are not okay.
Don’t add a salad bowl, if you want to have a snack or dessert put it on the plate at the meal. If you don’t want your salad to touch your potatoes put less on the plate. If you keep the basic idea of three meals of a regular sized plate of food, sitting down at a table 3 times a day, you can answer any question you might have about how to eat.
What if I want oatmeal or soup? Surely you don’t expect me to dump it on a plate!
No, that would be silly. Just leave the space bare on the plate that amount of food would take up if it was a solid frozen mass and you could set it on the plate. So if you have a bowl of oatmeal the size of a hockey puck leave the size of a hockey puck to spare on your plate and fill the rest of your plate with bacon, eggs, fruit or what have you. The point is not to eat a plate full food plus a bowl full of food on top of it!
Let’s talk about fight or flight and the primitive mind. Let’s get into an uncomfortable topic for guys the dreaded “F” word…feelings.
It is uncomfortable for most of us guys because we are relatively numb to this. We are so used to ignoring our feelings or getting over our feelings, that we generally just don’t express them all and experience them all as stress.
Here’s an example. It’s the end of a typical day and you’re watching TV while your wife is at a table in the same room. You are actually angry and lonely because you haven’t had sex for years, you don’t feel you have a friend or a wife, more of a roommate that you don’t especially like. You have a desire to share about how your day was, it would be nice to hear how her day was too, but she doesn’t want to talk, you miss kissing, hand holding, inside jokes and touching. If you could express how you feel, which you can’t, but if you could you might say something along the lines of, ‘ I feel trapped, lonely, unappreciated, frustrated…a lot of feelings.’
Physically, you likely experience them all as a vague feeling of tightness around your chest and a general dark feeling of sadness, loss or hopelessness. Hence the title of this book, “Fat, Trapped and Lonely”.
People have two parts of their brains; the primitive part and the thinking part. It’s your feelings that trigger the fight or flight response in the primitive core of your brain. That is your feeling of tightness or uneasiness.
It’s the part of your brain that is triggered in Mr. Zebra feels by the snap of the twig under the weight of Mr. Lion to his left. But unlike Mr. Zebra, you do not run away, you stay where you are. That’s where the tightness and uneasiness comes in. It is called stress.
But what was your trigger? Your wife said, “You never talk to me!” Your primitive mind does not distinguish the difference between real spears being thrown at you versus verbal criticism being thrown by your wife.
Back to Mr. Zebra. His heart starts racing, adrenaline is released, he loses his peripheral vision and now has tunnel vision, his hearing is dulled, his brain screams, run the other way! NOW!!! He doesn’t ponder it, he just bolts.
After running flat out for a while he feels safe, his heart rate and his blood pressure reduce and his life is good again. He is alive and relatively safe. He will live to see another day.
Unlike you, Mr. Zebra is not feeling the tightness in his chest. Why, because he ran. You however are not going to run out the door. Not that the thought had never occurred to you. In the old days before there was no fault divorce some men actually left for a pack of cigarettes, changed their names and never came back. More than a few overwhelmed fathers in unhappy marriages left for the store for a quart of milk, never to return.
You also probably are not going to attack your wife, another idea frowned upon by modern society. Instead, you are going to force yourself to sit quietly like a stone and continuously experience the stress and tension of fight or flight. You might then grab some snacks and a funny thing starts to happen, while you’re eating you feel better. The tension is gone or at least you don’t feel it so sharply. The food makes you feel good and masks the primitive brain.
Note: The problem is inappropriate eating (or other common vices) don’t actually stop the fight or flight response, they just mask it temporarily. As soon as the food is gone the feelings rise back up. So you go get more food. Carbohydrates tend to release the most feel-good chemicals in the brain so you favor them. You get more food, sound familiar?
Are you hungry? ‘Always!’, your mind says…’and yet no’. You may not have been actually physically hungry for years or decades. I’ve discovered actual hunger is a physical ache that does not go away until you eat.
What will make the primitive part of your brain quit running your life?
First, you can learn to control it and second quit replacing intimate connections with people and enjoyable activities with food.
We are going to work on both at the same time. If you want to go into the kitchen and eat, ask yourself am I hungry? ‘I don’t know!’ Will probably be your response at this point, it was mine. Realize that there are two parts of your brain, the primitive part in the back and the thinking part on the top and front. Feel free to think of the primitive part as a child. Ask yourself if it is time to have a meal? If you already have eaten lunch and it’s not time for dinner, tell your child it’s not time to eat. If your stomach is not growling, realize you’re not physically hungry either and tell yourself what I’m feeling is not hunger. It’s not time for a meal so let’s think about something else.
Start keeping a behavior log. (You can create your own or print one out from my website at www.orioneducational.com) Write down how you feel when you want to eat. Do this when you have your three meals and also two other times during the day when you’re not scheduled to eat but feel the urge.
An example would be ‘4 PM angry don’t know why, want to eat but it’s not dinnertime.’
In the beginning you’re going to have a very difficult time monitoring your emotions and giving them a name. Get some help by googling feeling faces. You can print them out. Choose a PDF that has only a few choices of faces and pick the closest one to what you’re feeling. If you choose a chart with 30 or more feelings you’re going to have a difficult time and just frustrate yourself. (Trust me on this men have a difficult enough time sorting through 5 or 10 primary feelings, like happy or sad, they don’t need 30 nuances to pick from, like elated or contempt.) Also on the chart you’re going to write down three things each day you’re grateful for and three things that you are proud of. Don’t stress over the task, the important thing to do it with fidelity. It is more important you do it even if you can only think of one, write that one down. Trust me, this small daily exercise will add greatly to your outlook on life and aid in your recovery. The science behind this is extensive and sound. We won’t waste time explaining why it works, I’ve spent the time researching it already…just do it.
Example: Three things I’m grateful for; talking to my friend Bill in California, beautiful sunshine on the way to work, cigar with the guys.
Three things I’m proud of; I made the bed, I made a list of activities I enjoy, and I tried meditation for 5 minutes.
Try not to repeat yourself, which can be difficult after a few days. But don’t stress about it, if you can’t think of any anything new, repeating yourself is better than skipping the activity.
What’s going to happen to your weight this first month? You may lose a little bit of weight or you may gain a little bit or you might not change at all.
Go ahead and get your starting weight and that’s about it for the first month. After that you can start weighing just one day a week, preferably first thing in the morning with your clothes off and after using the bathroom.
Why aren’t we praying to the scale god daily? Our goal this first month is to stop binge eating and stop replacing people and activities with food. This step is one of the big enchiladas. Focus on doing just that!
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You must do what you cannot do.”
This is one of those things. You’re going to have to focus on three meals a day and that is it! While working through this first step any focus on exercise, diet, weigh-ins and other distracters can and will derail you in changing your eating habits.
What if you slip up? Well first, don’t! Three meals a day. Tell your inner child, the primitive brain, NO! And do something else! What do I do if I make a mistake? Stop as soon as you realize you’re doing it. Dump any food in the trash you have left. Write it down on your log and write down how you felt when you went into the kitchen. Get back the horse. Three meals a day. That is it!
So what are the things I’m going to do instead of eat? I’m glad you asked.
Time to make a list by taking a mental trip through your life and write down everything you have enjoyed doing in the past. From childhood, adolescence, college and when you were first married. Do not edit this list, it is brainstorming. Don’t consider can I still do it, do I still want to do it, can I afford to do it or do I have the equipment to do it. Just list the activities.
Example of my list: I’ve done sailing, photography, bike riding, singing, flying a plane, camping, reading, karaoke, dancing, going to the movies, martial arts, motorcycle riding, hiking, traveling, cigar smoking, listening to live music, built a house, people watching, fishing, swimming, writing, public speaking, listening to music, tutoring, hanging out with friends, visiting historic sites, re-enacting history, gun range, hunting, swimming, tennis, golf, building models, teaching a class and going to open houses.
Now add to the list things you wanted to do for fun but never actually did. My examples: I’ve thought about playing the guitar, learning Spanish, learning to paint, salsa dancing, country-western dancing, scuba, performing in a band and sailing in the Caribbean.
The next step is to choose a few activities to schedule and a few to try that don’t require scheduling. Consider what equipment you have, can get or rent. What would be needed, start researching classes, events, meet ups and get started.
Example: I like cigars and I found a lounge that I could go to Fridays. It became cigar and bourbon night with the guys.
It’s important to choose mostly activities that will put you around people and allow you to increase your circle of friends. Many of the guys at the cigar lounge became friends. Friends I talked to about where I could do some of the other activities I enjoyed along with learning about some of theirs. Then I added more activity. Before I knew it I had added Thursday night karaoke and Saturday afternoon outdoor concerts at a brewery. Additional online research led to free country-western dance lessons and more friendships. Tuesdays I began singing sea shanties with a group. They encourage me to bring my guitar, which I never really learned how to play well in the past and it spent most of its time in the case, now I had new friends, including a guitar player to show me the ropes.
Meet-ups and other resources
On your cell phone Apps store search for “meet ups”. People set up meet up groups with common interests. I love classic rock and blues and found a group of over 100 people in my area that meet up several times a month to listen to live music and dance.
Before meet ups you would go to a club you’re never been to, only to find out the band is no good and that no one there wants to dance anyway. With the meet up ap you’re in a great place with thirty people who are all looking to meet friends, all want to dance and will say yes if you ask. Heck there’s almost no room on the dance floor and you get asked to dance as much as you ask others. The band rocks and you knew it would. The group members who have experienced the band and like the same 80’s rock as you do have reviewed already.
In choosing activities, remember the problem is you have replaced intimate connections with people with food, be cautious to include activities that have at least some opportunity to be around people. A couple of solo activities are fine but don’t avoid being with people. So taking a walk with the dog around the block is good, but talking to other dog owners at a dog park is even better (for you and Fido). Reading fiction at bedtime is good, but a book club is better.
If you’re like most people there’s family members and friendships that you have let fall to the wayside over time. Perhaps you moved away from an area, you had kids, got busy or buried in an all-encompassing job. Perhaps you inadvertently traded your family and friends for your spouses over time. (Most family social calendars are arranged by the ladies after all.)
Now’s a good time to identify a couple of family or friends of yours to reconnect with. You may wish to make a weekly or biweekly phone call to a friend you normally only hear from at Christmas or a cousin or nephew you’re fond of. Starting a Facebook account can help you identify possible contacts and reconnect and locate someone you haven’t thought of for quite a while. I was able to reconnect with friends from high school, previous hobbies, former students, and old friends using apps like Facebook.
Just a word about your spouse during this process. We’ll cover this in more depth in the chapters on should I stay or should I go and how to maintain a great relationship, but for now at this point, invite your spouse to all of your new activities. If she wants to go great. If she doesn’t want to go, don’t be upset either. Don’t be secretive about it. Be very classy about it. Tell your gal you want to be more active for your own mental and physical health and invite her to join you.
Once you’ve added a nice mix of activities, hobbies and diversions to your life, don’t be afraid to stop an activity you lose enchantment with and go ahead and add new a one. This is a natural progression with changes health, relationship and lifestyle. As you get further along with your goals you’re going to look for new challenges.
Our next goal is to reduce stress through meditation. I was very skeptical about how much 5 to 10 minutes a day of meditation could increase my ability to deal with situations and decrease my stress. To put it another way, daily meditation dramatically reduces the triggering of the fight or flight response you experience in your relationships with people. This of course includes dealing with your spouse. Commit to meditate for the first month and, if you if you are like me, you will be hooked and amazed at the effect on your wellbeing.
The basic gist of meditation is simply find a quite comfortable time and place, sit comfortably and think of nothing for 5 to 10 minutes.
Some hints: Before beginning let people know you’re doing it so they don’t go looking for you, and interrupt to ask what you’re doing. Sit comfortably and erect as your spine needs to be in line with your neck and head. If you are comfortable on the floor akimbo fine, also good sitting on the front half of chair, edge of the bed or the like. Do not sit back in an easy chair arm chair or on a couch as your posture will be poor and your back, neck and head will not be aligned. Think of sitting so that if you were to pass out your body would neither fall forward or backwards, just remain in balance. Place your hands in your lap or on top of your thighs or knees.
Focus on your breathing. Long deep breasts, not short shallow breaths. For deeper breaths, focus on exhaling longer, more than feels necessary.
Try differing methods to clear your mind. Go blank, count your breaths 1-2-3-4-4-3-2-1 or focus on listening to Tibetan chanting (pull up on your iPhone or Android) or Japanese/Zen/Indian flute music or surf or campfires crackling or just the sound of silence. If you find yourself thinking thoughts, don’t focus on them. When you realize that they are there, let just let them fade away. If you hear interrupting sounds, like yelling outside, rather than thinking about what they say, don’t focus on it. You might instead say “sound” in your mind and then quietly let it slip from your mind. Likewise with feelings, if your leg itches, rather than scratch it, just say “feeling” in your mind and let it go. Try different things and see what you like, eventually I found that a single lit candle in silence worked well for me early in the morning and Japanese shakuhachi flute music when there was a more noisy background later in the day.
Some people get a lot of good feelings and bliss while they are meditating but others, like myself, get all the real benefits in the 24 hours following the meditation.
In my case I found I didn’t lose my temper with students misbehaved to my classroom or when the car needed repairs or when someone cut me off in traffic. The change in your temperament for the good is remarkable! You shouldn’t let preconceived notions against ‘New Age’ and ‘Asian mumbo-jumbo’ put you off to trying it.
With regard to exercising; the purpose of this first month is to eat normal, reduce stress and connect with people through activities. For that reason, this first month you do not need to do any exercise. You can begin walking 15 minutes a day, as it will clear your head, reduce stress and give you the opportunity to connect with people, it will improve your digestion and your circulation. Make an effort to talk to your neighbors, coworkers and the public depending upon where you’re walking. Even if it is just saying hello.
Now is not the time to start a new exercise program designed to lose weight or build muscle mass. However, if you happen to put weightlifting down or golf or cycling as an activity you really like to do and particularly if you could do it with others, then by all means go ahead and do it.
Just so were clear, being overweight, sweating and uncomfortable on a multispeed speed new bike riding alone in a park is a bad idea. Riding a beach cruiser on a bike trail with five other people in your Meet Up group is a good idea.
After 30 days you will have more people and activities in your life, be more active, eating normally, more aware of your emotions, of your body’s signals (especially hunger) and feeling much less stress.
Cappy